“Down the road the sun is shinning. With every cloud there’s a silver lining, just keep holding on” – Lady Antebellum
I felt the warm tears stream down my face as I brought the last of my belongings into my new room. I mean, I can’t say it was my new room, because it’s actually my old room. These four walls have seen over ten years of my life, tears, screams, laughs, friends, and boyfriends. I sat on my bed replaying the last two days in my head. I could hear your voice whispering in my ear telling me that you didn’t want to marry me anymore. You told me that we fought too much and that you weren’t happy anymore, and that we had to make it months without arguing before we tied the knot. I could still picture your face, but I couldn’t remember your eyes. I remember frantically packing and small bag and just as I stepped out the door I heard you say Victoria and it sent shock waves throughout my body. I looked at you and you said Where are you going?
I can’t do this. I’m done
The next day I asked what you wanted to do with the apartment that we worked so hard for, and you said I guess we can just boyout. You went to work and I packed the furniture, my clothes, the rest of my belongings. I took one last look at the vacant apartment and closed that grey door one last time.
I went from a housewife to a single broke college student. I felt so broken, so worthless. How could you not ask me to stay when I told you I was leaving? I more than compromised my life for you… How was I still not enough?
The months that followed were filled with sleepless nights, screaming at the steering wheel, self help books, blogging, therapy, and insane amount of tears. I didn’t even recognize my reflection anymore. Blood shot eyes and the emptiness in my soul. What the fuck happened to you? It wasn’t until someone close to me said you’re only as good as your mindset. Then it hit me.. all at once.
It look some time to grasp onto my new life, and believe me when I say that it was the toughest thing I ever had to do. It was the biggest change I have ever made. I did the unthinkable and stepped out of my comfort zone, not once, but twice. I applied for a University and got accepted. Then, I went from a preschool teacher to working with fitness supplements and “big kids.” Crazy right? I know, I wake up sometimes and question my life, but I can say with great certainty that this is my second chance. God is letting me know that it is my turn to live the life that I want. My closure came from knowing I did the best I could when it came to loving you, and whether you did or not didn’t matter to me. I have finally realized I don’t need your validation to accomplish my goals and dreams.
All I need is me.