“Actually, I just woke up one day and decided I didn’t want to feel that way anymore, or ever again. So, I changed. Just like that.”
I remember the day I told you I was leaving. I remember the makeup running down my face. I got in the car and started to drive away, when I saw you. Through the tears I could see you watching me leave. You stood there just like you did every single morning when I left for work, but this time you weren’t blowing kisses and reaching for me, you were just watching me.
I kept waiting for you.
I needed something.
I stopped the car for a moment, because I so desperately wanted you to run out and stop me. I was still willing to fight for us, but ultimately I caught myself doing the one thing I was leaving you for. I was waiting for you.
I spent a great deal of time waiting for you. I kept looking back wishing and praying you would magically appear. I would check my phone every two minutes for the text that said, “I need you.”
I wanted you to crave me the way I craved you.
I wanted you to think about me the way I thought about you.
I just wanted you to fight for me.
Cuddled up on the couch, wrapped in your arms, I felt safe. You told me you wanted me to be your wife and the mother of your children and I believed you. I wanted with every fiber of my being, for you to be the man I would walk down the aisle with. From the moment we met, I thought you were the one for me, but over time the light in your eyes changed. We became like fire and gasoline, toxic.
I blamed myself a lot. I really thought it was me, but it wasn’t me. I spent my days worried sick about you. I lost myself. Everyone would ask why I let you treat me like this, but I saw something in you. I really loved you.
Nothing was enough for you.
The first time you left me and went home was because you needed to feel something. You thought going home would be enough for you, but you realized home wasn’t even enough for you. So, you came back and in the end that wasn’t enough for you either. You’re a runner. You run when things go wrong. You can’t even make it a full year without dramatically changing something. I am not sure you even know what you want. I gave and gave and gave everything. There was nothing more I could have possibly done. I accepted you, your past, your imperfections, and your darkness. You kept things from me. I believe you have deep dark secrets that you don’t allow anyone to know about. Even when it hurt my heart so bad I stood there loving you through it all. I would tell myself, “he left you once, you should never have taken him back,” but if it weren’t for this excursion with you, I would never have learned this lesson. The lesson of not being able to fix anyone. Even through the sleepless nights and the times I felt so alone, I would have loved you all my life.
So, when you wake up one day and something reminds you that you should have appreciated me, I will be long gone. I refuse to wait for you to regret losing me, not this time. I will remain myself with or without your knowledge to my value. I know my own worth now. I am learning how to live without you, even though sometimes I don’t want to, but I am trusting God’s path. I pray each and everyday for you. I pray that you find serenity, and happiness within yourself.
With that said, I forfeit this battle.