An Open Letter To My Manipulator

“Now that I’m sitting here thinking it through, I’ve never been anywhere as cold as you” -Taylor Swift 

I stood in the doorway holding the last of my belongings. Glancing around the room that has now become a vacant apartment, I couldn’t help but think back to the first time I met you. How I so fiercely wanted you and how I was instantly hooked. You had a way with words and we quickly formed this codependence for each other. So how is it I am standing here glaring at the photos, dead flowers, and broken memories scattered across the floor?

Even though I am partial to blame for all of this, you gave me numerous reasons to leave. I spent so many days giving and fighting with every ounce left in me for you. I gave you every single thing even if it meant sacrificing my own wants and needs. I gave you things I wasn’t even able to give to myself. I was so confounded by your spell that I allowed you to manipulate me into thinking that I was the issue. I gave you my all and you didn’t reciprocate anything. You made me feel like I was insane. You were the broken and damaged one. I so desperately tried to fix you and mend your heart. I completely lost myself in the process, because my priority became you. Every scar and pain you had I endured a thousand times more, because I cared so much.

Time without you made me realize that I didn’t exist in this world. I wasn’t allowed to feel or express any type of emotion, because it was too much for you to handle. Time has shown me how much of myself I gave to you. I could not be this emotionless person you wanted me to be. My heart grew exhausted trying to grasp on to the person you perceived yourself to be. Life with you brought me to a place of confusion, desperation, and pain. You fed me with all this false hope and in the end you completely played victim. For the first time I am putting my wants and needs first. It is my turn to live the life that I gave to you. I have moments where I miss us, because I am human. One day I will wake up and it won’t sting as bad. I assure you that one day there will not be a place for you in my heart anymore. I am so proud of the courage and power I had in me to leave you behind.

Because I have never felt so alive.